Everyone in Michigan Right Now

 Ron Swanson speaketh the truth.

Giggle Box Status: Resurrected

Saw this and couldn't stop laughing out loud:

It's by Dead on a Sunday. The full song is here and it's damn catchy and rather appropriate for Friday the 13th.

A very nicely done parody cover of an 80s Pop classic.

How Cold Is It Today?

It's so cold today, I saw something I haven't seen before:

A Democrat Politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Some 51st State Humor

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang, "Hello, President Trump," a heavily accented voice said, "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?

"I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

 

"Well, Archie," The Donald said, "This is indeed important news!  How big is your army?"

 

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there's myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.  That makes eight!"

 

Donald paused.  "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Wow," said Archie.  "I'll have t' call ya back!"   Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again.

 

"Mr. Trump, the war is still on!  We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!  We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

 

President Trump sighed.  "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armed personnel carriers.  Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

 

"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be gettin' back at ya."   Sure enough, Archie rang again, the next day.  "President Trump, the war is still on!  We have managed to git ourselves airbourne!  We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from da Legion have joined us as well !"

 

Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.  "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.  Huge.  My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.  And you need to know, since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

 

"Jumpins, Lord tunderin!"  "Two million, ye say!!" said Archie.  "I'll have ta call youse back.

 

Sure enough, Archie called again, the next day.  "President Trump!  I am sorry to have to tell ya dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Donald.  "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Now, it is true that the Canadian Forces are small but mighty.  They are rather confident in their capabilities, and they do punch far above their weight. 

Indeed, apocryphally, the Geneva Convention was started because of the Canadian military, who refer to it even today as the Geneva Checklist.

But in reality, should the Canadians kick off Defence Scheme No. 1 and  War Plan Red ever gets dusted off and updated in return, this can only end one way:

 

A World Cup Soccer First

Did you hear that history was made at the World Cup this year?

Since I'm not a soccer fan, this did not get my attention until now.

NPR: The first all-female referee team makes history at the World Cup

Yes, it was a historic moment having an all-female ref squad for the Costa Rica v. Germany game. 

This really affected the game-play because:

Not only were these referees calling penalties that occurred during the game, they were penalizing the teams for what they did in past games over the last 20 years, too!

Important US Border Patrol Notice

All signs at the U.S.-Mexico Border have now been changed to Ukrainian.

Do not be alarmed, the border has only been disguised as the Ukrainian Border so that Democrats will actually defend it.

76 Years Ago Today . . .

The biggest gender reveal in history took place at Hiroshima, on August 6, 1945, when the US revealed to the world that it had a Little Boy.

Reading: The Mightiest Martial Art On Earth - Or Off Of It

Cast away your karate, junk your jiu jitsu, and learn the greatest martial art in the galaxy - Kirk Fu.

A great fun read and hilarious homage to the amazing martial arts skills of Captain James T. Kirk.

Learn this devastating art with the hardcover Star Trek Kirk Fu Manual:

Every technique has easy to follow instructional drawings, as well as commentary from Kirk's personal log as well.

Fight boldly where no one has fought before using the mighty double clutch -

Hilariously, each technique depicted in the book always ends with Kirk's shirt torn. 

It's a quick fun romp of a read and a must for fans of the original series.

A New Martial Arts Technique To Start 2021 Out Right

Yes, 2021 is here, and so is Master Ken with some timely martial arts advice:

Master the technique now, before BATFE redefines a 24 oz can of Twisted Tea as an NFA item requiring a $200 tax stamp.

In Other Election News: A Democrat Get Out The Vote Effort Comes To A Screeching Halt

This particular get out the vote effort lasted all of two minutes.

The Detroit Free Press: 3 men captured attempting escape from Upper Peninsula prison

Gotta try and get that felon vote out and active, but the effort was all for naught.

Three prisoners, assisted by two others, ran for the fence at an Upper Peninsula prison Monday night, but were captured, officials confirmed.

Caught in 2 minutes flat and stymied by the border fence of the prison.  

"It was all over in less than two minutes," he said. "The officers did an excellent job."

All three men climbed to near the top of the first fence before falling and trying again, Gautz said. One had a device he tried to use to help get over the wire at the top of the fence, but it did not work, he said

The three felons, all prime Democrat voters, with resumes including home invasion, armed robbery, and assault, will not be voting in today's primary after all.

A Friday Funny

We can certainly all use some humor these days, and this joke certainly made my day. I hope it makes yours:

A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi ! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?"

To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant, spending much of the day praying in their cage.

He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and a tiny tallis as well as holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?"

One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: "Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!"

Coronavirus Humor

So far, our family is maintaining Level 1 on the Bear Necessities Scale:

How are you holding up?

Talk Like A Pirate Day: What's A Pirate's Favorite Letter?

I know, I know, you all immediately say Arrrr!

You're close but you'd be wrong.

A Pirate's favorite letter isn't R.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A Pirate's favorite letter be the C.

This Needs To Happen

In Edmonton Alberta, the City is about to redidicate some land downtown to make a new park.

Edmontonians have come up with a petition to name it, in a rather clever, awesome, and whimsical way, after one of Edmonton's famous native sons.

The proposed name: The Nathan Fillion Civilian Pavilion.

CBC News: Could 'The Nathan Fillion Civilian Pavilion' come to fruition?

If you're a fan of Nathan Fillion, and after all, you really should be, you can sign the petition at Change.org.

It's a most worthy effort, and I wish them success in this honorable endeavor. It sure as heck beats Parky McParkface as a name.

Signs Of Novi

I saw this sign in the parking lot at the Novi Community Center in Novi, Michigan.

Apparently Novi has a real-life fertile octogenarian problem.

Judging by the number of spaces, there's just a ton of pregnant grannies and a ton of potential Rule against Perpetuities problems just waiting to be born to plague law students during their bar exams.

It Was Like Dragon's Milk To Him

Because it was Dragon's Milk.

When I met up with Tom last Friday night, I presented him with a bottle of this fine Michigan product:

At 11% it has quite a kick that sneaks up on you, and then drop kicks you especially as it comes in a bottle containing a pint and 6 ounces.

It tastes a bit like Guinness that's been aged in a bourbon barrel. It has a very deep, complex, and rather roasted taste that grows on you as you sip it, or the alcohol content does anyways.

Tom appreciated it, and even moreso when I told him the story behind it:

For you see, New Holland has Michigan's oldest monastery where the monks have taken a vow of silence, and within the walls of the monastery is indeed a real live dragon that is milked to produce the eponymous wonderful substance that I brought to him.

Milking a dragon is rather hard work as a dragon tends to take exception to it, typically by ripping your arms off.

So twin monks were tasked with the job of milking the dragon.

It went well until the Dragon grew annoyed with the first one and sure enough ripped his arms off.

The Abbott then had to find him a new job, and the only one he could do was to climb the tower and ring the monastery bell to signal the time of day by taking a running jump at it and hitting it with his head.

This he did for sometime with great devotion and fervor and until one day he missed a jump and fell down the tower and sadly broke his neck and died.

MIOSHA, OSHA and the coroner came out and inspected the premises and asked the Abbott if he had any information on this now deceased monk.

"I don't know much about him or even his name", said the Abbott, "But his face sure rings a bell."

But the story doesn't end there. His twin, who had taken over the milking of the dragon also eventually fell prey to having his arms ripped off and sure enough, he too was tasked with ringing the bell.

Sure enough, after leaping at the bell and ringing it loudly, the day came where he too fell to his death.

Again MIOSHA, OSHA and the coroner came and asked for information on the incident and the identity of the deceased.

The Abbot again sadly stated, "I don't really know who he is either, but he's a dead ringer for the previous guy".

The Deadliest Sin

Is Sloth

Now Sloth Has A submachinegun. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Be As Tactical As Master Ken

If you're not regularly watching Enter The Dojo on YouTube, you just can't honestly call yourself a sheepdog, nor a member of Mall Security Team 6 for that matter.

While Master Ken typically does specialize in unarmed combat, this time he decided to do some firearm-related tactical exercise activities:

Don't Assume My FAA Class

My cousin Matt came to visit and kindly brought me a t-shirt that may explain why, in addition to weather and flight school issues, it is taking so long for me to get a fixed wing pilot's license:

Things Heard In the Cockpit

I'm not saying in what plane or by whom this was said or anything.....

Flight Instructor (FI): You don’t need such a tight grip on the yoke. An airplane is like a beautiful woman, treat her lightly and she’ll treat you nicely.

Flight Student Who Shall Remain Nameless (FSWSRN): But what if the plane has read 50 Shades of Grey and likes that sort of thing?

FI (laughing): Shaddup and fly the plane.

FSWSRN (laughing back): Roger that, Shutting up and flying the plane.