Some 51st State Humor

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang, "Hello, President Trump," a heavily accented voice said, "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?

"I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

 

"Well, Archie," The Donald said, "This is indeed important news!  How big is your army?"

 

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there's myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.  That makes eight!"

 

Donald paused.  "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Wow," said Archie.  "I'll have t' call ya back!"   Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again.

 

"Mr. Trump, the war is still on!  We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!  We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

 

President Trump sighed.  "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armed personnel carriers.  Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

 

"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be gettin' back at ya."   Sure enough, Archie rang again, the next day.  "President Trump, the war is still on!  We have managed to git ourselves airbourne!  We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from da Legion have joined us as well !"

 

Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.  "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.  Huge.  My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.  And you need to know, since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

 

"Jumpins, Lord tunderin!"  "Two million, ye say!!" said Archie.  "I'll have ta call youse back.

 

Sure enough, Archie called again, the next day.  "President Trump!  I am sorry to have to tell ya dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Donald.  "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Now, it is true that the Canadian Forces are small but mighty.  They are rather confident in their capabilities, and they do punch far above their weight. 

Indeed, apocryphally, the Geneva Convention was started because of the Canadian military, who refer to it even today as the Geneva Checklist.

But in reality, should the Canadians kick off Defence Scheme No. 1 and  War Plan Red ever gets dusted off and updated in return, this can only end one way: